When the Drive is Absent — A Free Write on Where I am…
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m going nowhere.
Physically, mentally, and above all, creatively.
I know I’ve got it easy compared to some. I know I also have it harder in some ways compared to some. That said, I also know that comparing myself to others doesn’t get me anywhere either.
It’s not that I don’t feel sad, and it’s not that I’m not happy, but lately, I just feel empty of inspiration or reason.
It’s not that I thought graduating college would give me all the answers. I knew for a fact that after graduation, that I’d be diving right into reality, and with all the health challenges I was facing those last months of my semester, that reality would be tough.
I know people find ways through it, and that even if it was rough, it would be alright. And for all tense and purposes, things are alright.
I’ve got a family I can stay with. I’ve got medication to solve my heart issues. I’ve got a job that pays well. I’ve got friends at my workplace, and long-distance friends to chat with when I’m not at work — for the most part at least.
I’ve got people who I can say “I love you” to, and I know that’s a rare commodity for a lot, and I don’t take that for granted.
I know I have so much, and that given my situation, that all should be well.
. . . And yet, lately, I’ve found it so difficult to be creative.
It’s not for a lack of want — I do want to be creative! I have ideas for these things and I want these things to become real.
I want to be a storyteller…
It’s been more than just writing.
It’s not that I’ve lost any ability to write. When I am talking or chatting with friends online, I can type as fast as ever — my usual 65 words a minute.
It’s been art as well.
I used to be able to draw something once a week, or at least several times a month. Lately, however, those numbers have gone below a drawing a month. It’s not that the projects have become larger beyond what has been done before. Some projects would only take a day if I had the will — the gumption to actually put something to paper.
It’s funny, sort of. For years I used to claim that writer's/art block was just a facade for laziness, and maybe it still is. Maybe, I’ve just grown soft and undisciplined. But whether it is or it isn’t, I’ve got to admit it, I think I’ve actually caught it this time.
The last creative thing I made was this little beauty. It’s not been TOO long since then, but as I said, the gaps between projects have grown wider, and the energy it takes to actually dedicate to such projects — as a writer and as an artistic — seems to have grown exponentially.
I think that’s what I’m getting at. Lately, I feel as though being creative takes more energy than it used to.
And lately, I feel as though my energy levels have naturally just been lower than what they used to be.
I know a part of this has to do with my recent inability to drink anything caffeinated (or stimulating really). Due to my heart condition, I’ve had to give it all up — no caffeine, no alcohol, no drugs (not that I was partaking in the latter).
Anything that affects my heart is a big no-no, and because of that, I’ve got nothing to replenish my energy or to kick my butt into gear.
Speaking of, I know that my heart medication is a partial cause of this as well. Among other things, one of the side effects of my medication is a lack of drive. At first, it wasn’t too noticeable, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it may be a major player in all this. The medication that is saving my life is also the thing that is making it difficult to pursue what gives my life meaning. That’s not meant to be some quip against it. Rather, it’s just a matter of fact — my latest epiphany.
The issue isn’t that I have lost the ability to write or be creative . . . it’s that the fuel that used to kindle all my creative fires has been halved.
I don’t know where to end this blog post. A lot of it has been a whole afternoon’s exercise of explorative writing, and a part of me feels ashamed that this is it. Something like this used to take me 30 minutes, and this took me hours. I’m a product-oriented person
However, given my situation, I think I need to give myself grace.
With my creative drive not what it used to be, it means that anything I create truly came through effort — not some half baked thought from the second half of a Starbucks mocha.
Sure, it means the product comes harder, but I think that if I accept that this is my situation, and fight on despite that, it just means that anything I create is more me than anything I make in the past.
I’m not saying I think this realization will make anything I do easier . . . but I think what I’m realizing, after all this, is that I need to not get upset about my slower results.
I like ending these blogs with song suggestions, so here’s one I found that I’ve really liked a lot lately
And I’ll try to write another blog sooner rather than later!
