LEVEL UP — You’re 24 Years old, Birthday Boy . . .
. . . and you wake up like you normally do.
It’s been so long since I wrote an update to the world about my existence in more than 240 characters via my Twitter, a medium-sized Facebook post, or a large blog post.
I had hoped to make blogging a regular habit this year, but as the “blog post history” shows, it’s been since March.
A lot has happened since March, most of which everyone knows about. Heck, a lot has happened in 2020 in general — both on a global scale, and a personal scale. Yet, at the same time, it feels as though hardly anything has happened, and that most of this year has been a blur.
That being said, I know many have asked for an update on my existence, where I am in life, what I’m doing, and so on — which is why I’m forcing myself to write this update today (Well, that, and it’s not like I can go to the movies or do anything fun this year for my birthday). So without further ado, I’ll approach the next part as a Q&A session, just to get through these questions a lot easier.
Q: How are you doing? Both emotionally and physically.
A: I’m doing alright enough. I can’t complain too much given the circumstances of everything going on in the world.
On an emotional scale, I’ve been using my time this year to focus on self-care and working through negative thoughts, doubts, and anxieties, and have been trying to build up my self-confidence and sense of worth. It has had its rough patches, but I’ve been tackling issues as they come, and I’ve been allowing myself grace when I start to beat myself up for not being where I want to be. Overall though, I think I’m doing good.
On a physical scale, I could probably be better, but I’m hanging in all the same. I started a new medication a tiny bit before the pandemic started, and it’s been helping with my heart issues a lot more, so that’s been nice! However, my knee hasn’t been doing too well. I tweaked it recently, and since then, it’s not been too stable, so I’m back to using a knee brace to keep it from falling out while I walk and do stuff, so that’s a bummer.
But again, I’m overall doing alright enough.
Q: Have you been able to accomplish any of your goals or dreams this year?
A: Short answer — not really?
Long answer — it’s complicated. Despite what I said up above, 2020 has given me a couple of curveballs I didn’t expect to come my way.
When I started 2020, my big goal was to start getting back into writing my story that I tentatively call “Birth,” which has progressively grown and grown in scale as I continue to think and build things for its world in my mind. I still desire to write that story to completion, but it’s just been the case that, this year, my drive to write has been low as all of hell itself. And it’s kind of funny really because I used to be the sort of person who’d preach about how “Writer-Block isn’t a thing,” and a part of me still believes that is the case.
However, the challenge I’ve been facing with the world I’ve built, I believe, has been a matter of mindset. By that, I mean that the original draft that I wrote was written for and by a kid who was in a darker state of mind— I was someone who wanted to hope but ultimately felt hopeless, and that reflected a lot in the fictional world I built.
This is why I say it’s complicated because as I mentioned in the previous questions’ answer, I’ve been emphasizing self-care, and I believe that by working out my emotions, I’ll eventually be able to get back into the saddle of writing once more.
In regards to other goals and dreams, I believe that’s the funny thing about 2020 and my unexpected journey into emphasizing self-care because I’ve given myself the chance to explore new possibilities this year that in the past, I might not have allowed. So I’ve experimented. I’ve poked at making miniature video games, at making animations, at different artistic mediums, at live streaming myself and some of my friends when we play games, at podcasting, at making music, and overall, I’ve just been flexing my creative muscles on different things to figure out what I enjoy, what I can do, and what I actually want to do.
So in that sense, it could be argued that perhaps I did accomplish some goal? Just not my initial goals. Things just evolved organically, and I believe that’s alright. I’m happy with where I’m at and what I’m trying to do at the moment at least.
Q: So what are some of the new goals you have for the next year?
A: I don’t know if I want to say. I think part of what used to always cause me to “crash and burn” with any of my previous goals is that I always hyped them up to be something big, before even starting them. And while I think it’s great to be excited about ideas and projects, I think it’s also healthier in the long run that I keep some of these things private, so I don’t have to live up to all the pressure I put on myself by pitching it to literally everyone I know as something I’m going to do.
Pressure is great and all, but too much can also strangle out the fun of any personal project, you know? So I’m keeping things lowkey for the next year, and I’m just going to come into the year with the mentality that I’m just going to try my best to do my best, and that will hopefully be good enough.
Q: Okay, then how would you feel about sharing some of the last year’s projects with us here?
A: Sure! I’d love to go through a list of things I’ve actually done this year! I’ll approach this next piece as it’s own section, which I’ll break up into different categories.
Writing — Poems
“Dermatophagia” OR “A Letter from Jörmungandr to the Future.”
Let me tell you about the world I once held, and all its history.
You were not the first monster in this place, and you won’t be the last.
They, whoever ‘they’ are, say you are what you eat. So, I suppose
that means we must have been born cannibals already — you and I —
born starving, staving off hunger by eating ourselves and feeding our fears
until our mouths become stuffed, and our stomachs filled with our skins.
Yes, I too have eaten myself inside and out to get through the day
because depression was a hunger, and anxiety was me trying to sate it.
I too have spent way too much of my time drowning in a sea unseen,
only to be seen in projections of expectations that must be met.
And I too have outgrown my skin to fill the oceans, becoming the
borders of a world that, when let go, will collapse to catastrophe and ruin.
I don’t mean to imply we’re both so important that the world will end
when we fail, but rather, to remind you — that you, whose only tale you
were fed was the plan for your fate and future — don’t desire to end it all.
You merely desire change. Remember, ‘Monster’ is just another word
for abnormal. Shed your skin if you must, but as monsters, we create
our own legends tale, so that, even as myths, we will never be forgotten.
Sinking [2:47 AM]
And so I stretched my hand out — grasping — gasping for air — my hope.
Sinking — expecting — finding — nothing. “You were never meant to be secure.”
Yes, because you were always there — sinking ‘to the oceans — so deep —
tugging — pulling — me — down — down — deeper down — drowning now.
I have tried countless fucking times to break free — and it still haunts me —
keeping me from who I need to be — it’s a feeling that I can’t shake.
Because there’s just no escaping the truth — I was the reason for all of this,
and if I wanted to be free, I would have to let myself fall — and so I did.
As you can see, not too many writing pieces — just a couple of poems basically. There are a couple of larger pieces I’ve poked at, but none of that is really worth sharing at this time.
Onto art!
Drawing — Digital Illustrations
I don’t intend to share EVERY piece I’ve drawn this year — just a few pieces I was particularly proud of.
Sinking [2:47 AM]
This piece goes along with the last poem I shared. Despite the poem and art piece’s rather dark themes, I actually was quite happy while creating the two. For me, it was more of an exploration and admission of all those “things” I had to let go of, despite the sinking feeling that I got for letting them go.
It’s a scary thing to let go, but honestly, it’s also really healthy sometimes to let go of certain things.
I know in 2020, I’ve let go of quite a few things that, in the past would’ve left me shaking with emotions. It wasn’t easy by any means . . . but every day I do a little better, and that’s all I can really do.
Either way, I’m pretty proud of myself overall with this piece, and enjoyed the whole process through and through!
HOMESICK
This piece was/is dedicated to that feeling of moving to a completely new place where you have no connections. As the words on the piece say,
“When does ‘home’ finally become a place where I actually feel at home?”
This had been a feeling I was struggling with a whole bunch ever since I moved out to go to college, and again when I moved to Seattle after graduating.
It’s that raw feeling of being unprotected and shakey — it’s almost as if you’re out of focus, and any and all connections you had to who you are have become almost ghost like. At least, that’s how it felt for me.
~ Snow Falls ~
“Hey, it’s me again. I . . .
I’m calling because I wanted you to know, I still feel like I’m just beginning . . . But . . . I’m starting to think that it’s going to be alright.
And, I just thought I would let you know.
I hope you’re doing alright too.”
So this piece was a super recent piece I did, just exploring that growth I’ve been feeling about “every day I do a little better,” and finding hope basically.
Every day I do a little better…
And again, just a simple piece just to explore that same mindset I’ve been getting into of trying to stay positive and look with hope toward the future.
“Now, I burn [and I’m going set fire to all that was started].”
This piece was honestly just inspired by the idea of fire, of using it to grow and get better. Was inspired by a literal series of songs about fire, as well as a giant Californian fire that lasted a bit longer than it should have. (At least we all know it’s a boy, right?).
Art — Pixel Animations
~ Campfire Tales ~
This was a pixel animation I made for one of my best friends ever, who I thought deserved a cool pixel art gift like this!
Basically, just two cute characters cooking food on a campfire.
Slime Ball Animation:
Just a lil slime creature for when I was trying to make a game.
Slime Ball Death:
Pretty self-explanatory.
~ RAFFLES ~
One of the things I also did a lot this year was host raffles, where the winners would win a free pixel art doll akin to the ones in this picture here~! It was a whole load of fun and I enjoyed the whole process thoroughly as I got to see loads of folks’ unique characters. Here are a few of the winners:
~ Running Animation ~
As my final piece of pixel art to share though, here’s my most recent piece I did. Broke out of my mold of doing single two frame standing animations and did a running animation. It still needs to poking at I think, but I’m overall pretty proud of the progress I made on it, considering I’m just teaching myself everything.
What Else?
I have no clue really.
Honestly, I’ve been poking at this thing slowly over the course of my whole day. Like, I’ve taken breaks, but I started it at 10 AM, and it’s now nearly 2 PM, and I’ve gotta figure out SOMETHING fun to do on my Birthday . . . So what else is there to say, but that I hope this next year is gonna be fun?
Before I go though, I just wanted to share a song.
I’m almost certain I’ve shared this one before, but I thought I’d share it again, just because it’s a good song, and it makes me feel hopeful~!
